— Mike Del Rosso (@DelODell) March 5, 2013
Napoleon Dynamite attempts to feed Tina the llama in vain.
“Your name is Napoleon?” one of Pedro’s cousins asked the eponymous lead role over the phone, in 2004’s instant cinematic classic “Napoleon Dynamite.”
As a liger—part lion, part tiger, all magic—advocate with superior bow-staff skills, but no luck with the nunchakus, Napoleon Dynamite marched to the beat of his own drummer in rural Preston, Idaho.
“I’ll do what I want,” Dynamite said, while stringing a He-Man action figure out the back of the bus en route to school.
His 32-year-old brother Kip was training to be a cage fighter, while awaiting his love LaFawnduh. The unlikely couple had grown quite fond of each other over a series of two-hour, chat-room sessions. I’m not sure how long Kip and LaFawnduh maintained a virtual relationship until she finally took a Greyhound to Idaho, but the dial-up Internet connection damn near drove Grandma Dynamite’s phone bill through the brick ranch’s roof. Kip’s lucky Uncle Rico didn’t throw him out the window.
When he wasn’t hunting wolverines in Alaska with a 12-gauge, Dynamite listened to his heart, which told him to perform D-Qwon’s Dance Grooves to the tune of “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai, after Pedro’s campaign speech for class president landed flat on the auditorium’s teen audience.
May Ser Court Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance himself! summon the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over Napoleon Dynamite, Glamour Shots by Deb, Tina the Llama, the Rex Quon Do dojo, and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally, the Loch Ness Monster.
Actually wrote a screenplay myself. You can read it here.