awkward

Why won’t Tina eat her food, Napoleon Dynamite?

Napoleon Dynamite attempts to feed Tina the llama in vane.

“Your name is Napoleon Dynamite?” one of Pedro’s extended family members asked the eponymous lead role over the phone, in 2004’s instant cinematic classic Napoleon Dynamite.

Pedro will make your wildest dreams come true.

As a liger—part lion, part tiger, all magic—advocate with superior bow-staff skills, but no luck with the nunchucks, Napoleon Dynamite marched to the beat of his own drummer in rural Preston, Idaho.

“I’ll do what I want,” Dynamite said, while stringing a He-Man action figure out the back of the bus en route to school.

His 32-year-old brother Kip was training to be a cage fighter, while awaiting his love LaFawnduh. The unlikely couple had grown quite fond of each other over a series of two-hour, chat-room sessions. I’m not sure how long Kip and LaFawnduh maintained a virtual relationship until she finally took a Greyhound to Idaho, but the dial-up Internet connection damn near drove Grandma Dynamite’s phone bill through the brick ranch’s roof. Kip’s lucky Uncle Rico didn’t throw him out the window.

When he wasn’t hunting wolverines in Alaska with a 12-gauge, Dynamite listened to his heart, which told him to perform D-Quan’s Dance Moves to the tune of “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai, after Pedro’s campaign speech for class president landed flat on the auditorium’s teen audience.

May Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance himself! summon the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over Napoleon Dynamite and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally, the elusive Monster eponymous of Loch Ness.

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