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Don’t make me take off my sunglasses

Had a call in this morning to FedLoan Servicing. They’re the suspect school loan servicer who swindles me out of $710 each year on an errant monthly payment claiming they failed to process my income adjustment plan. I made two attempts in the past two months to avoid this, yet they consistently drop the ball. Third year running.

Don’t make me take off my sunglasses.

I have to remember two dozen passwords for double the online accounts that manage my personal admin. I have a running text file that I update frequently to keep these logins inline. Yet, I continually find myself hitting the ‘Forgot password’ option and resetting.

Don’t make me take off my sunglasses.

I’m in my mid-thirties approaching a doldrum of social activity as past friends get married, have kids and do other things they’re supposed to do to remain relevant in this given American society. I’m finding less and less in common with these folk. It’s not that I don’t want to change; I just want to follow a unique path, not one laid out from likely decades of manifested destiny.

Don’t make me take off my sunglasses.

I did manage to steal away some time to reassess life priorities. Work is certainly not the be-all, end-all; it’s merely a method through which to tread financial waters and pay homage to society’s true god, the Almighty Dollar.

Hey, capitalism, don’t make me take off my sunglasses.

But I did briefly escape the imposed American Dream to ponder, find peace of mind in the stillness of inactivity and complete lack of urgency. Zen.

And I’ve found a purpose, better than anything anyone else can tell me. I’ve located it within.

Alright, lemme take off my sunglasses now.

I got work to do.

#DontMakeMeTakeOffMySunglasses

 

 

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Dear Bigfoot,

I should have brought this up in person, but I organize my thoughts better in the written form.

In short, I’m sick of your attitude. Every conversation I have with you ends in a negative tone. And, frankly, it’s draining. I’m sure you’d say the same of me, but the difference is I didn’t choose to live with you. If you recall, you interviewed for the apartment once, and you didn’t get it. Then you came in several months later, after Reba the police sketch artist had to leave short of the lease term.

Not sure what sort of picture she drew up for you, but the truth is you didn’t get the apartment the first time because I sensed back then that you weren’t the type of person we’d want to live with. Even then I knew you were used to getting your own way and would not be able to adapt to other people’s living styles. Nevertheless, you weaseled your way in. For the last year or so now, Kelly, Dangerous Dave and I have had to deal with you. You’ve put your Big Ass Foot in your mouth on more than one occasion.

We had all been living in this apartment for more than a year before you arrived. We had certain protocol in place that we were comfortable with. Then you came in, barking orders, under an assumed entitlement that magically granted carte blanche to our apartment without respect to those who had seniority over you. You leave your personal and general clutter all over the apartment. There’s hair EVERYWHERE! And you barely help out around said apartment to clean up after yourself.

As far as our shared bathroom, that’s an entirely different issue. I know how you like to bring that up anytime I try to address your shortcomings. If you must know, you are a slob. That’s why I don’t clean up after you in the bathroom. When I had my own bathroom, it wouldn’t get dirty nearly as quickly. You can’t command me to clean the bathroom like I’m one of your pet mountain lions. You may be four feet taller than me, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t hesitate to treat the Bigfoot Crown Jewels like a speed bag, if you ever try to manipulate me again.

In the coming months, you may want to start looking for a new place. You could talk to your friends, Yeti and the Abominable Snowman. Who knows? Maybe one of them has a spare room. Where else would they keep their collection of coolers filled to the brims with cold-filtered Bud Ices? Obviously, we can’t oust you from the apartment, but do you really want to live with three of these people who are not like the other?

(That’s you… Bigfoot.)

Sincerely,
LoMein Mike

Dear Big Foot

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The Prank Chat

Amazon Instant Video wasn’t working. It was late. I had nothing better to do. And based on what Atir had said, neither of us could do anything about it. At that point, there was really only one option: keep Atir on the “line” as long as humanly possible…

Read the entire chat at mikedelrosso.com

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I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle… I’m a big f%ckin’ prick

Almost ran this bicycler off of the road the other day. He was taking up the entire right side of the street, nowhere near the bike lane. I came right up on his back wheel and slammed the brakes, after trying to pass someone in the left lane. I didn’t see him around the other car. Luckily, for him, the anti-lock mechanisms kicked in like clockwork.

At my first opportunity, I slid into the left passing lane and laid on my horn. I use my horn to express a message I can’t otherwise verbally deliver to the motorist, or CYCLIST, at fault. That message, in this particular case, was this: “If you’re riding a bicycle, don’t take up an entire lane that requires a rate of speed your bird legs aren’t capable of pedaling.”

He exclaimed some profanities into my open right window, as I passed. It was an unseasonably warm March day and I decided to drive with the windows wide open. I remember screaming FahkYouu! but I don’t think I gave him the finger—that borders on the line of wreckless driving when you’re operating a stick shift.

At the inevitable next traffic light, I saw him first in my rightside mirror, pedaling up. Warning: Douche bags are closer than they appear. He then circled round the hood of my car and squared up at the driver’s side window. He angled his horn-shaped handle bars, as if he was setting to charge. His 1984 Schwarzenegger sunglasses from Terminator glistened in the sunlight.

“That’s not a fuckin’ sports car! It’s a fuckin’ Golf! … Don’t ever do that to me again!”

“Do what?” I said.

“Fuckin’ jam me up, you fuckin’ prick!”

To all motorists on the mean Boston streets: this is a forewarning. When you see cyclists pedaling along the road, at a piddly pace, please don’t “jam up” these lower body athletes! Even though they are completely interrupting the flow of otherwise fluid traffic, please, don’t get in THEIR way. The fact that they tread lighter on their carbon footprints than any vehicle guzzling fossil fuel, grant them the higher road always.

THEY are God’s gift to the highways and byways of this hallowed Commonwealth.

Then he pedaled away. To demonstrate an act of no hard feelings, I complimented his wardrobe.

“Nice bright-yellow, Spandex leotard, dude.”

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mike egan's christmas card

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Merry Christmas from The Egans

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Why won’t Tina eat her food, Napoleon Dynamite?

Napoleon Dynamite attempts to feed Tina the llama in vane.

“Your name is Napoleon Dynamite?” one of Pedro’s extended family members asked the eponymous lead role over the phone, in 2004’s instant cinematic classic Napoleon Dynamite.

Pedro will make your wildest dreams come true.

As a liger—part lion, part tiger, all magic—advocate with superior bow-staff skills, but no luck with the nunchucks, Napoleon Dynamite marched to the beat of his own drummer in rural Preston, Idaho.

“I’ll do what I want,” Dynamite said, while stringing a He-Man action figure out the back of the bus en route to school.

His 32-year-old brother Kip was training to be a cage fighter, while awaiting his love LaFawnduh. The unlikely couple had grown quite fond of each other over a series of two-hour, chat-room sessions. I’m not sure how long Kip and LaFawnduh maintained a virtual relationship until she finally took a Greyhound to Idaho, but the dial-up Internet connection damn near drove Grandma Dynamite’s phone bill through the brick ranch’s roof. Kip’s lucky Uncle Rico didn’t throw him out the window.

When he wasn’t hunting wolverines in Alaska with a 12-gauge, Dynamite listened to his heart, which told him to perform D-Quan’s Dance Moves to the tune of “Canned Heat” by Jamiroquai, after Pedro’s campaign speech for class president landed flat on the auditorium’s teen audience.

May Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance himself! summon the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over Napoleon Dynamite and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally, the elusive Monster eponymous of Loch Ness.

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