By BOB WOODS and MIKE DEL ROSSO
THE KNOX 7-DAY SOCIALIZATION PLAN
“It will KNOX your SOX off!!!”
Snappers? You need ’em, want ’em, love ’em. My name is Chris Knox and whatever your case may be, I can help you. Call me now toll free to find out how.
Call Toll-Free 1-888-KNOXIFY Now!!!
“Do you feel as though the weekends just aren’t enough to meet somebody? With my 7-day socialization plan, you can maximize your exposure time to the opposite sex 3-fold!! In my informational pamphlet, I will give you tips on befriending bartenders for BiG drink deals, a map of all local establishments that I have personally sampled, and a detailed tutorial on utilizing pick-up lines. Some of my personal favorites include: ‘Hey do you know my cousin?’ and ‘I just ate a retard sandwich, you wanna go to Nostalgia’s?'”
Zoom in tight to a wide-eyed Knox staring straight into the camera. In a loud and enthusiastic delivery, he continues.
“Do you find yourself sitting alone in your house on Sunday nights? Well worry no more my fellatio starved friends. Tap into Sunday nights, Wednesday afternoons, and Monday mornings as only I know how. Stop limiting yourself to weekend nights only. Listen to a real-life testimonial from a very satisfied customer.”
“Yea I tried Knox’s plan. We went out one night to some shady Quincy bar. He kept on feeding me Captain Morgan’s in these huge 16-ounce cups. By the time we tried talking to chicks we were so loaded that they wanted nothing to do with us. He kept on talking about ’80s night at Beachcomber or something? That kid is an idiot.”
That’s right folks, real stories from real people. My plan sells because it works. If you call within the next 10 minutes, I will include a pearl white El Dorado absolutely free. That’s right! A $200-value all yours, at no extra cost. Operators are standing by.
ORDER NOW!!! 1-888-KNOXIFY
“…because you can’t get lucky if you don’t get out there!!”
Also try my other services:
Send me all of your DVDs and I won’t return them or send you any new ones. If you want to visit my one-room apartment and watch them with me, that’s a different story. Cover charge: one crisp case of cool-refreshing Bud Light. No exceptions and will accept no substitute. I can’t stress this enough. You will not enter my hallway studio without said beer on your person.